WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT,
DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN, GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH? Especially Bush
My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraqi regime
has finally been completed. Since Congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our
mission in Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American
forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to
begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries
which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The
United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the
countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the
world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing
copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those
nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during
the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world
Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this
money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note,
a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and
eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.
Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.
I am ordering the immediate severing of all diplomatic relations with
France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are
retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis. I have instructed the
Mayor of New York City to begin towing the manyUN diplomatic vehicles located
in Manhattan with more than two unpaidparking tickets to sites where those vehicles
will be stripped, shredded, andcrushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to
this. You creeps have tensof thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those damn tickets
tomorrow or watchyour precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over
to some of thefinest chop shops in the world. I love New York
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are
likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not
pissing us off for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt
government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and
infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border
security. So start doing something with your oil.
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty -
starting now.
We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for
oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades
to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to
List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own
citizens. Some will accuse me of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the
world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet.
It is time to eliminate hunger in America It is time to eliminate
homelessness in America . It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America. To the
nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't
forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak
Arabic. God bless America. Thank you and good night. If you can read this, thank a
teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.
Bookmarks