yep... another nightmare

dieanotherday · 08-09-2007, 10:40 AM

In return for buying $50 worth of erotic literature and videos from a certain company, I was given the choice of receiving either a free dildo or a penis vacuum. Not being gay or otherwise interested in inserting anything into my ass, I opted for the masturbation pump. I had never seen one up close, but my first impression was that it looked very cheaply made. It was little more than a fleshy latex sleeve, tube, and bulb. I'm far from hung but somehow on my first attempt my only partially aroused penis immediately filled the tube, thus preventing the escape of air. And because of the suction, I had trouble losing my erection. By the time the sleeve finally split, my penis was ridiculously bright red, swollen around the glans, and smarting at the urethra. I threw the contraption away and promised myself that from that point on I'd stick to my hand and the female anatomy. Thank God I didn't go for the dildo! I might've been slain.

another time -.-

One time I thought I saw something called "love oil" among my mom's various herbal remedies, essential oils, etc. She was busy elsewhere in the house, so I locked myself in the bathroom and tried it on my penis. I didn't even get to start masturbating, it stung so badly--turns out it was actually clove oil (quite a potent substance), and the "c" had worn off the bottle. As with the Tabasco story, the moral is, don't put weird shit on your dick.