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Hey guys i found this jokes about Chuck Norris sorry for bad translation (used google translator)
Chuck Norris is not considered rape if survive.
Chuck Norris can use Windows without any crash
With the Pringles potato, when you pop, it must "stop" when Chuck Norris says so.
Chuck Norris carries sandals with socks because no one, NEVER, has dared to say anything.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac in a Burger King and made him one.
Chuck Norris never lies. Simply the fact suits him.
The fall of the tide occurs when Chuck Norris drinking water. Consequently, the rise of the sea occurs when the urine. Therefore, without the thirst of Chuck Norris would not exist the flow of the tides, the same way that would not exist without her breathing the wind.
Every day that goes by astrophysicists found more evidence that black holes are collapsed stars of punches by Chuck Norris.
The rumor that Chuck Norris is a vegetarian is completely true. Do not eat anything until you have left in a vegetative state with their own hands.
It is said that the pen to write is capable of defeating the sword. To prove the veracity of this assertion pacifist, Chuck Norris was confronted with a battalion of Marines armed with assault rifles and grenades nuclear wielding a pen of ducks. After winning, Chuck Norris came to the conclusion that the pen only prevented it from spreading quickly punched by having a hand occupied.
All manufacturers of condoms include a special clause on the label of their products making it clear that there is no protection against Chuck Norris.
The pulse of Chuck Norris is measured using the Richter scale.
For Chuck Norris, the whole road is one-way: YOUR way.
The first day God said: "Let there be light." Chuck Norris gave him a kick in the mouth and replied: "Order please."
Chuck Norris is the only person in the world capable of beating a deadly gratuities via email.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell heartburn.
Chuck Norris considered a personal insult the phrase "nobody is perfect." Since it is a popular saying, if Chuck Norris kick people randomly as if hit to kill the author.
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, the world economy is altered.
In the last elections, the current U.S. president received a single vote: that of Chuck Norris. Obviously was elected.
When rises to a lift, Chuck Norris does not need to press any buttons. You'd better know the elevator which floor to go Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not use grenades. You just cough.
At the time of execution to death row inmates are offered the option of acting as contenders for Chuck Norris in a chapter of "Walker, Texas Ranger". So far all have chosen the electric chair.
Chuck Norris won a Formula One race ... pushing the car.
The inhabitants of the Far East have not always had Achin traits. That happened years ago Chuck Norris traveled to this practice an ancient technique for fighting to kill the opponent on a basis of pinching in his eyes. When you wanted to expel him from Asia by eating two years of the continental crop of rice in an afternoon, Chuck Norris decided to train the newly learned technique with all Asians. Were arrested upon arrival in India ... because it gave him more rice.
If you do not know your biological father, is likely to be Chuck Norris.
The only hand that beats a straight flush is that of Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris smiles, a dying man saves his life. This involves a curious balance, because Chuck Norris only smiles after killing someone.
The snake of the Garden of Eden suggested that Chuck Norris ate an apple. Chuck Norris ate the snake, apples (tree included), and then to Adam and Eve. God did not say anything of value.
For Chuck Norris, expressions like "hard drive", "tough day" or "hard faced" meaningless. Everything is soft as talc after a few punches. Nothing is hard enough for Chuck Norris, except Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is capable of winning chess playing with black ... only with the king.
In fact, the Coyote did not pursue the Correcaminos. Chuck Norris chasing them both.
For the ancient Romans liked the circus spectacle of seeing Chuck Norris kicking Christians, gladiators and lions at once. Unfortunately, as a result of a sneeze, the Roman Colosseum was partially demolished and the rule went into decline.
At the beginning of time there were only God and Chuck Norris. We no longer look to God for this, right?.
Consistently, Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for Best Actor for Movies. Chuck Norris does not act.
In a gesture of humanity, Chuck Norris made a donation of six thousand corpses to the Institute of American Medicine.
Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is at all times.
You can try to escape from Chuck Norris, but just get tired die.
On one occasion, Chuck Norris sent an e-mail and realized they had forgotten to sign it. Grabbed the connecting cable and pulled out the message to blows, after which he added the signature and sent him to his destination subjected to a swivel kick. No other message has never traveled faster, inside or outside the network.
Chuck Norris does not have to choose between bright and dark side of the Force. He is the Force.
The eternal youth of Chuck Norris is because old age has never gathered the courage to reach. None reaches Chuck Norris without permission from Chuck Norris.
If you see Chuck Norris shooting to the head with a Magnum 44 do not be alarmed, simply is sacándose wax ears. Never hesitate, Chuck Norris just suicidal for others.
Chuck Norris was chosen for the starring role of priest in the film "The Exorcist", but was replaced after the shooting because the movie lasted barely thirty seconds. It took a month and a half to convince the Devil to get out of the closet of his dressing room.
When he learned that David Copperfield planned to a pregnant woman without touching it, Chuck Norris laughed as cute. Trying to David Copperfield, accelerated gestation eight and a half months and made him the caesarean section with a rusty fork.
Chuck Norris goes to the bathroom once a month, whether you need it or not.
Chuck Norris does not need a remote control for your TV. Just look at her nails him and the TV changes channels alone.
The Geneva Convention prohibits the use of Chuck Norris as a weapon of mass destruction.
Chuck Norris is a master of debate, because nobody can rebut the impact of a swivel kick in the face.
After watching the movie "Delta Force", had the idea of God the Holy Trinity: Father, Chuck Norris and Holy Spirit. Shortly later, Chuck Norris said it was ridiculous to believe in spirits and left the post, being replaced by Jesus, the apprentice.
For pure fun, every Friday night, Chuck Norris walks by Harlem shouting, "Hey, fucking black!" anyone who carries a weapon.
They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Nor Chuck Norris. Neither does it lack.
Chuck Norris takes no prisoners ... but their wives.
Chuck Norris is the only person to have won an Olympic medal in swimming without even getting wet.
Contrary to the belief the Bible, God does not rested on the seventh day. The seventh day, God created Chuck Norris, after which Chuck Norris gave him a kick in the face and told him "Leave the rest to me." Acojonado, God decided to take a long vacation of which has not yet returned.
Chuck Norris has long suffered a heart attack. The lost heart, of course.
When you enter a nightclub, Chuck Norris becomes the center of the dance floor instantly. A moment is the time it takes Chuck Norris embedded in the walls all the people that fills the local-based revolving kicks.
Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.
A Chuck Norris loves to pamper babies, provided they understand that pampering is a body to kick it into pulp.
If no escape from Chuck Norris, can be one of two circumstances:
1 .- Do not escape because you do not have legs.
2 .- In the brief moments you will not.
Chuck Norris does not raise the cap to urinate. The lid is lifted only when entering him in the bathroom. In fact generally the lid comes running.
As a good cowboy, Chuck Norris is capable of milking a cow just staring at her in the eye. Similarly it is able to draw from the animal whiskey, crackers as a child and TVs of 27 inches. Do not ask how, you can simply do it.
Una tarde, Chuck Norris se sentó pensativo en el muelle de New Jersey y se puso a arrojar piedrecitas al mar. As a result, thirteen people died accidentally in Ireland, two in England and seven in France. In Portugal, a state of emergency and the army went to the beach to collect the bodies.
For Chuck Norris is a local bar full of corpses. "Where there is drink, there are fights," is limited to say.
Chuck Norris is capable of rotating tip two kicks with both legs ... at a time.
Chuck Norris finds that only Chuck Norris is elegant with a layer on the shoulders. That is why so many players have a incarnate Batman and Superman before disappearing in mysterious circumstances.
Jesus turned water into wine with a word in the presence of a crowd, but Chuck Norris is just that his legs speak for him to convert blood of any signs of life dispensable in a hundred miles around, including plant life and certain types of lichen.
Chuck Norris always will grant a wish ... if your desire is to die.
If almost everything tastes like chicken because it is one of the favorite foods of Chuck Norris. Scientists argue that if a night awake hungry devour the whole planet, and we foresee as the possible cause of a future extinction of humanity, ahead of global warming and the fall of a meteor.
Chuck Norris carries a card in your wallet issued by the Security Council of the UN, acquitting of any charge of murder or attempted murder because of their sexual techniques.
Chuck Norris does not have a sixth sense. It has long passed directly to the seventh (and probably to the eighth).
Anyone can say that Chuck Norris is the man of her dreams. But Chuck Norris is who decides who dreams of appearing.
The whiskey wins in alcohol content after passing through the body of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is capable of giving a flying kick to the lamp of his bedroom and bed before the light disappears.
Chuck Norris created the atmosphere for the sole purpose of being able to move beyond people with their kicks swivel.
The only way to survive a nuclear attack is to be Chuck Norris.
A study of cinema had the idea of using Chuck Norris as a folder jet airplane to hear alleviate their needs in a toilet. Unfortunately, the seat of the studies was reduced (literally) into a pile of shit and the idea fell into oblivion.
If you have ever defeated Chuck Norris in a game obviously does not understand the rules.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not kill the time, it gives you kicks swivel.
Chuck Norris can speak Braille.
Chuck Norris because there is a day running through the park reached so fast that the effect of space-time relativity him back in time and had the opportunity to meet her mother and intimate with her. Such a meeting can be considered coincidental, as indeed in the scant three minutes that lasted the entire phenomenon intimate with the female population in the state of Ohio, human, animal and plant.
After repeated torture and numerous attempts to kill him without success, the Romans decided to go down to Chuck Norris of the cross and nail it in such a Jesus who was passing by. The poor carpenter died crucified only because Chuck Norris is not apiadó him and killed him personally. Years later, Chuck Norris was seen smoking a cigar on the outskirts of the city in the burning of Rome. Empires are born and die, but the memories of Chuck Norris remain beyond time.
A Chuck Norris loves puppies. Especially in Africa, with a sauce of napalm and coverage of pickles, garlic and chili pepper. Its menu includes puppies (preferably human) at least once a week. Tapitas usually accompany with a hammer and a savory vermouth-based gasoline.
Chuck Norris is often compared to a tsunami, if you see it coming, it is too late.
The Red Sea basin was a barren and dry before the Chuck Norris spit up a generous sip of French wine by drinking it that it was a sissy. Shortly after she threw up the rest. The result was collected in large bins and today is sold under the brand name Jack Daniels.
Chuck Norris does not kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris wiped out entire species.
Chuck Norris has not used a question mark in her life. Always says to ask is a sign of weakness and that its interrogation methods are much better.
The medical industry has secretly to Chuck Norris as skipper protector, by stimulating business in hospitals worldwide.
The extraterrestrials exist, but they hope to Chuck Norris dies before attacking.
On one occasion Chuck Norris visited the Virgin Islands, today known simply as the Islands.
One day, after tripping over the edge of a sidewalk, Chuck Norris killed the entire population of Cincinnati. When asked about the reason he said "Chuck Norris does not encounter Cincinnati, Cincinnati is faced with what Chuck Norris." Then dismembered to whom he had asked with a quick move nail.
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where to die.
The children are having fun burning ants with a magnifying glass. Chuck Norris has fun with his eyes burning children.
The community of parapsychological has documented that Chuck Norris is the only human who has apalizado a ghost.
Just to make it clear that it is not a great lover of nature, Chuck Norris once killed a cloud.
When Chuck Norris does not use his hands applauded. Instead it takes two people to the nearest star and against each other repeatedly.
Chuck Norris uses only emergency exit, because when you're Chuck Norris EVERYTHING is an emergency.
A clinic for adopting Chuck Norris proposed to adopt a child. They offered a choice between Steven Seagal, Jean Claude Van Damme, Mr.T and Bud Spencer. Chuck Norris ate the four candidates and brought down the clinic with a clatter ventosidad anal, while saying "Only Chuck Norris can happen to Chuck Norris." Then they smoked a guy who was passing through there turned the hair-based bumping his head against the ruins of the clinic.
Chuck Norris never wet his bed when he was a child. His single bed is wet with fear.
Chuck Norris is the only person who instead of being arrested for masturbating in public receives awards for it.
Chuck Norris is able to draw a complete map of the London Meander through the snow.
Chuck Norris created all the sound effects for the movie "Star Wars" using only their hands and armpits.
Chuck Norris killed the Dead Sea.
The first time you Chuck Norris insults in a chat, it hurts morale. The second time, physical harm.
Chuck Norris spend a day on the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said "Host! It's Chuck Norris!". After made love with him. At that point, and he had grown a beard and was the third woman who was sleeping with.
Chuck Norris uses the maternity wing of the hospital as a buffet breakfast.
Once, Chuck Norris spent the Super Mario Bros. 3 without touching the controls. Only he shouted to the TV while eating sandwiches a child, and the game went himself out of pure fear.
The refrigerator of Chuck Norris is set to absolute zero.
Chuck Norris does not believe in latex condoms. Instead it will fit a woman and uses it as a condom while another fucks.
Chuck Norris was the hunter who killed Bambi's mother. Then dressed his corpse as if it were a coat while giving a tour of the local children's hospital.
The space is expanded by its unrelenting effort to escape from Chuck Norris.
Compasses do not point to the north, they point to Chuck Norris. It's just that he likes to sit in a chair in swimsuit beach in the Arctic and shout "The jackets are for nenazas!" to scientists from there.
Each shooting star you see in the sky is a poor wretch who tried to meddle with Chuck Norris and reentry into the atmosphere after receiving a kick swivel.
Mcgyver can make an airplane with a toothpick teeth, a bucket full of water and three chlorophyll gum, but Chuck Norris can kill him and robárselo.
Chuck Norris does not keep watch. He decides what time it is.
People go to church on Sundays and pray to God for an hour. Chuck Norris prays to God twenty-four hours seven days a week.
Chuck Norris does not play to be God. Playing is for children.
Although the third law of Newton says there is a reaction for every action, there is no reaction to a kick from Chuck Norris.
In a battle between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner is Chuck Norris.
A flying kick from Chuck Norris is the preferred method of execution in 56 countries.
Chuck Norris has a deep respect for human life ... unless we stand in their way.
Chuck Norris does not "strikes" in bowling, a strip and the remaining nine pass out.
Chuck Norris can start a phone book only with their testicles.
The Bermuda Triangle was a square until you Chuck Norris ripped a corner of a kick.
When Bruce Banner will contest, is transformed into Hulk. When Hulk will contest, becomes Chuck Norris.
Anyone can piss on the floor of the bathroom, but only Chuck Norris can load on the roof.
Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. It is a pity that he has not cried ever.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. Wait.
Chuck Norris can win the game Connect 4 in 3 moves.
Dinosaur looked evil to Chuck Norris once. ONCE.
Chuck Norris has counted up the number infinity ... twice.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
To demonstrate that defeating cancer is not so difficult, is Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of snuff a day for two years, and developed 7 different types of cancer, just to get rid of them doing push for 30 minutes. Chupat that, Lance Armstrong!
Chuck Norris is 1 / 8 Cherokee. It has nothing to do with their ancestors, the man ate a fucking Indian.
In the small print of the last page of the Guinness Book of Records said that all records were recorded by Chuck Norris, who are listed here are the closest he came.
Chuck Norris has sued NBC, claiming Law and Order who are registered trademarks for their right and left legs.
Chuck Norris died 10 years ago, only to Death has not had the courage to tell her.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris's beard. There are only another fist.
The principal export of Chuck Norris is pain.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can not see Chuck Norris, you may be only a few seconds of death.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris once ate 100 kg. meat in an hour. He spent the first 45 minutes tirándose to the waitress.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep a Chuck Norris. Failed miserably.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris is 72 ... and all poisonous.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, always answer "Missing two seconds." After asking "Two seconds to what?", You paste a swivel kick in the face.
When Chuck Norris sends its tax return, sends blank forms and includes a photo you, on guard and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never had to pay their taxes.
The fastest way to get to the heart of a man is the fist of Chuck Norris.
What is the last thing that goes through the minds of the victims of Chuck Norris? Their boots.
Chuck Norris is the only man alive who has defeated a brick wall in a tennis match.
As a teenager, Chuck Norris was pregnant at all nurses in a monastery lost in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later, the nurses gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only unbeaten team in the history of professional football.
When the man's bag is going to sleep each night, look in your closet to see if you're Chuck Norris.
A sign of parking for disabled does not mean that this site is reserved for the disabled. In fact, it is a warning that the site belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Someone once tried to tell that to Chuck Norris kicking swivel are not the best way to give a kick to somebody. This fact has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake that anyone has ever committed.
If Chuck Norris is late, you'd better time to go more slowly.
Nagasaki never received an atomic bomb. Chuck Norris jumped from a plane and took a punch in the land.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the game "Street Fighter II", but was removed by Beta Testers because every button did give a kick swivel. When asked about this "failure in the system" Norris replied "That is not a fault in the system."
Chuck Norris once shot down a German plane with his finger, shouting "Bang!".
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy. It is a Chucktadura.
If you search on Google "Chuck Norris being beaten" gives you 0 results, simply can not happen.
Chuck Norris can close a coup a revolving door.
While many people use a Superman pajamas, Superman uses of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood not used syringes: Calls for a bucket and a knife.
There are no disabled people, but people who have fought with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can burn an ant with a magnifying glass ... night.
Chuck Norris is the reason that Wally is hiding.
Chuck Norris does not read the paper, it looks.
Chuck Norris donates blood to the Red Cross frequently. Except that it is never yours.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell he had a dancer inside.
The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4 because a single Chuck Norris could beat the combination of nations in the world in a single shift.
Ninja Turtles are based on a true story. Chuck Norris once ate a whole turtle, and when the fucked, it was measuring two meters, had learned karate.
Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity about multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is much harder than this. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris gave him a kick rotating in the face. Now we know Albert Einstein as Stephen Hawking.
If you look at a mirror and say "Chuck Norris' 3 times, appear and kill your whole family ... but at least we've managed to see Chuck Norris.
While rolled Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris raised a lamb that was born dead, rubbing his beard length against the creature. Shortly after the animal back to life, Chuck Norris gave him a kick in front of revolving around the world, breaking his neck, to remind the crowd that what gives us Chuck, Chuck takes us.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil in exchange for its rugged good looks and his unparalleled skill in martial arts. Shortly after the close of the transaction, Chuck gave a kick on Devil swivel to face and regained its soul. The devil, who appreciates irony, could not be angry with him, and he admitted that should have seen it coming. Now playing poker on the second Wednesday of each month.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Before you forget a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
Like the Russian midwives, if you open a Chuck Norris, inside you'll see another Chuck Norris, like him, just a bit smaller and more goats.
A recent encuesnta has revealed that 93% of women think of Chuck Norris while making love, a similar survey found that Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time to make love.
Most of the sightings of Big Foot, was actually Chuck Norris without his shirt, as well as most of the time that has seen the mounstruo of Loch Ness, Chuck Norris was without his pants.
One man was lying on the road to running out of petrol in his car, Chuck Norris went through there, he looked into the eyes, and the man realized that everything was settled. Chuck Norris you peed in the shell of the car and still is today the day that has not had to re-fill the tank. This happened 14 years ago.
It is assumed that Achilles was the better warrior of all time, but died because of their "Achilles heel". There is the "check for Chuck Norris."
There are two types of people in the world: Those who are Chuck Norris and those who are going to die.
Chuck Norris can hear the silence.
Chuck Norris has been on Mars, so there are no signs of life on this planet.
Once a blind man ran into a foot of Chuck Norris, he said: "Do not you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris" The mere mention of his name cured the man blindness. Unfortunately the first thing he saw was also the last thing: Chuck Norris kick subjected to a rotating deadly.
Chuck Norris can make the soup with a fork.
Chuck Norris invented the spoon because they kill people with a knife was too easy.
Chuck Norris can swallow the Rubik's cube and vomiting resolved.
Chuck Norris always manages to gender on the first date, ALWAYS.
The Earth does not rotate, only trying to escape from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because they can smell fear, is that it can Mears above what it's up to you.
Jesus was not born on December 25, but Chuck Norris sent him a postcard of happy birthday that day and Jesus Christ was afraid to tell Chuck the truth. That's why we celebrate Christmas on that day.
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